News Roundup for 10/30/09

Begone, ye accursed eaters of souls!

-Headline of the day-
"The Danger of Celebrating Halloween."

Think Halloween is a harmless holiday with costumes and candy and jack-o-lanterns and stuff like that? The you're going to hell, you fool. Halloween is Satan's night and he's a'gonna gitcha if you aren't careful!

So says Kimberly Daniels, "a sought-after conference speaker and preacher" and founder of Kimberly Daniels Ministries International. In an article warning good Christians to leave that Halloween shit alone, Kimberly sets the record straight. "It is dedicated to darkness and is an accursed season. During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed," she says. "A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure." So, if something bad happens to you at any time in the next year, it's probably because you handed out fun-sized Snicker bars to kids dressed up like superheroes. Why does handing out candy curse you? Because "most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."

Other stuff you should watch out for:

Sex with demons
Orgies between animals and humans
Animal and human sacrifices
Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
Revel nights
Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant

Laugh all you want, but you'll be singing a different song when crazed Satanists are jamming cursed Almond Joys up your butt! And you thought the worst that could happen was having the tree out front TPed by teenagers.

So tomorrow night, hide out in your basement with a crucifix, a Bible, and a shotgun. It's really your only hope for salvation. (Charisma Magazine, via Air America)


-This House bill is big-
Politico gets right to the heart of the matter in covering the House healthcare reform bill that Nancy Pelosi rolled out yesterday. "It runs more pages than War and Peace, has nearly five times as many words as the Torah, and its tables of contents alone run far longer than this story," writes Jonathan Allen. "The House health care bill unveiled Thursday clocks in at 1,990 pages and about 400,000 words. With an estimated 10-year cost of $894 billion, that comes out to about $2.24 million per word."

What's in it? Who knows? The point is that it's really big -- in fact, it's about as big as a bill that would create a whole new healthcare system might be. How long would it take to read the bill? The sharp reporter asked bill-reading experts and they say "it could take a week." He also says it has words and phrases in it, like "family," "health insurance coverage," "exchange-eligible individual," and "Indian." It's super-important that you know the word "Indian" is in the bill, because that there's good journalism.

We even find out how much it weighs; according to a GOP aide Allen asked, a "print-out of the bill weighs more than 19 pounds and stands nearly nine inches tall."

Wow.

So what's in it? Apparently the answer for Allen is "Hell if I know." What's important is that it's an actual object with length and width and depth and weight and it's really fucking big. If you want to know what it's actually all about, then go to some other bigtime political-insider newsite, Bucky. Interns are for getting coffee, not reading through bills and making notes about their contents.

When it comes to reporting the actual dimensions of a piece of legislation, Politico's right there for you. If you want useful information, however, you're shit outta luck. (Politico)


-Bonus HotD-
"Fox News Poll Finds More Support Fox News Against White House."

Also finds most believe Barack Obama is a secret illegal alien Muslim terr'ist, that the Post Office is communism, and that Glenn Beck is a great example of a rational human being. (Plum Line)