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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

News Roundup for 9/27/11

Fantasy landscape with unicorns
Where perfect GOP candidates come from

-Headline of the Day-
"Five Things Conservative Voters Would Hate About Chris Christie."

Hey, remember Shelly Bachmann? She was totally going to be the president earlier this summer, when she was voted Queen of the Iowa State Fair. But it turned out that she was dumb and crazy, so that cost her a little bit of support, and then she ate a corndog and it was over.

So off all the Republican voters ran to Texican President Rick Perry -- he's got a gun! Yay! But he turned out to be dumb and not nearly crazy enough, so that cost him a little bit of support, and then Mitt Romney got all competent on his ass and he's looking like he might be done.

Now everyone's all fired up over former pizza delivery guy Herman Cain, but he's just Shelly Bachmann in drag, so he's going to be done soon.

Enter new shiny object, Gov. Chris Christie of the Garden State. Everybody loves Christie for the same reasons they loved Bachmann, Perry, and Cain; they don't know anything about him, so it's easy to pretend he stands for exactly the same crazy stuff that any given GOP voter stands for. Chris-Chris has said he isn't going to run, his buddies say he isn't going to run, his family says he isn't going to run -- which I guess means he might run.

Anyway, the nuts aren't going to like him because, like Perry, he's insufficiently insane. Turns out he wants to give illegal immigrants amnesty, take everyone's guns away, believes in global warming, supports an Obama education program (which is automatically communism), and -- worst of all -- doesn't hate Muslims. At all.

Turns out that the biggest drawback for a GOP presidential candidate lies in not being imaginary. (New York Magazine)

-While we're on the subject...-
Jon Stewart elaborates.

So it's like that... (Comedy Central)

-Bonus HotD-
"Tony Perkins Says Christie's Anti-Bullying Position Will Be Problem For GOP."

See? Christie's against bullying and this is a problem.

This is what we're talking about. (ThinkProgress)
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