News Roundup for 5/11/12

Differently hydrated landscape

-Headline of the Day-
"Lawmakers avoid buzzwords on climate change bills."

Remember when being "politically correct" was all the rage? People weren't "handicapped," they were "physically challenged" or "differently abled" -- you know, crazy stuff like that. For everyone else it was just being polite, but to the right it was the worst thing ever!

That's all changed now and Republicans have their own version of being politically correct. Usually, it involves believing a whole passel of bullshit, but sometimes it just means avoiding certain words that suggest certain things that are happening are happening. Things like global warming.

Take the Virginia legislature, for example. According to the report, "State lawmakers ran into a problem this year when recommending a study on rising sea levels and their potential impacts on coastal Virginia.... It was not a scientific problem or a financial one. It was linguistic."

See, it turns out that if you describe rising sea levels as something obvious like "sea level rise," that's communism. So say the local Tea Party nutjobs. You can measure sea level rise, it's actually happening, and it's like super-important to a coastal state like Virginia, but admitting reality is politically inconvenient. So "sea level rise" becomes "recurrent flooding." See, that's so much better because it doesn't suggest a cause -- it's just this crazy thing that keeps happening and no one knows why. Other terms being thrown around by 'baggers are "increased flooding risk" and "coastal resiliency."

"Sea level challenged" apparently hasn't occurred to anyone. (Virginian-Pilot)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, Dogboy and Mr. Dan are back and they're going to explain why we keep taking out al Qaeda's number two. Yay!


Click for animation

OK, when Obama and Mr. Dan are on the same page, we've got real trouble. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Rove group jokes Obama official who had seizure was drunk."

Because Karl's classy like that. (Raw Story)

News Roundup for 5/24/12

From a world all its own

-Headline of the Day-
"Poll: Elizabeth Warren unscathed by Cherokee flap."

One thing that's fun to watch in the wingnut blogosphere is the sight of bloggers buying into their own spin. It's kind of easy for them to do, since they only seem to read each other and stuff they find on Fox News, so they really have no idea what the hell's going on outside their little echo chamber.

And so it was with a trumped up "scandal" about Elizabeth Warren claiming Cherokee ancestry. Seems that the wingnut blogosphere measures ethnicity differently than the Cherokees do (Liz is as Cherokee as the leader of the nation) and they'd worked themselves up into a tizzy over it. Warren was doomed, they said, DOOMED!

Turns out that, as earth-shattering a revelation as the nutjobs thought this was, no one else cares. A new Suffolk University poll finds that 69% don't think the half-baked "scandal's" even a story and only 28% believe Warren lied about being a native American.

Meanwhile, Warren's surging ahead in the poll, closing a nine-point gap in February to a statistical tie today.

Yeah, wingnut blogosphere, that sure was a damaging little scandal you cooked up. Maybe -- if you try real hard -- you can convince yourself it's working. (Politico)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, did you know that war is (kinda-sorta-not-really) a thing of the past? It's true, thanks to...


Click for animation

You know, maybe making war easier wasn't the best idea... (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"New U.S. unemployment claims down this week."

As always, good news for America is bad news for the GOP. (Raw Story)

News Roundup for 5/17/12

Claims not to mean the stupid things he says

-Headline of the Day-
"Mike Coffman didn't 'misspeak.'"

Colorado Republican Rep. Mike Coffman made some waves when he got a little fumbletongued and said something he totally didn't mean to say. At a GOP fundraiser, Mike tried to ask someone what time it was, but it came out all wrong. "I don't know whether Barack Obama was born in the United States of America," he said. "I don't know that. But I do know this, that in his heart, he's not an American. He's just not an American."

I know how he feels. Last Christmas, I asked my aunt to pass the butter and it came out, "9/11 was an inside job and Dick Cheney is a cyborg!" Boy, was I embarrassed.

Anyway, Mike cleared everything all up by releasing a statement. "I misspoke and I apologize," he said. What a wonderful man.

"I don't believe the president shares my belief in American Exceptionalism," he went on. "His policies reflect a philosophy that America is but one nation among many equals."

That's not really clearing things up, Mike. You say he doesn't believe in your idea of Manifest Destiny American Exceptionalism, but -- while I find his embrace of this empty rightwing buzzphrase an annoying flaw -- he says he does believe in it. Emphatically.

But I'm sure that was just another slip. What you really meant to say was, "I'm a freakin' idiot. Sorry." (Maddow Blog)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, Dogboy and Mr. Dan are back and they're going to teach us all about the Bible and marriage equality! Yay!


Click for animation

Sometime it seems like the people who talk about the Bible most are the people who know it the least. (MarkFiore.com)


-Quote of the Day-
"I'm not familiar precisely with exactly what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was." -Willard "Mittens" T.G.I.Fridays Romney, esq. (Political Wire)

News Roundup for 5/10/12

Rep. Michele Bachmann

-Headline of the Day-
"Bachmann Withdraws Dual Swiss Citizenship."

After news that Rep. Bachmann had switched sides in the war between 'Murka and Yurp, Shelly beat a hasty retreat from her allegiance with the Schweizer Menace.

"I took this action because I want to make it perfectly clear," she said, "I was born in America and I am a proud American citizen." And it had nothing to do with the fact that her family would've been covered by that commie Swiss healthcare and the freedom-hating social safety net.

How do we know that? Well, because if Shelly's the only one pulling out, her family will still be covered by that commie Swiss healthcare and the freedom-hating social safety net, since they decided to go get their official Swiss Army knives "as a family."

So nice try, Comrade Bachmann. But no one's buying it. Your story has more holes in it than a certain type of cheese. (Talking Points Memo)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, have you heard about all this austerity stuff in Europe? Yeah, that didn't work out so well. Here's Uncle Mark to explain everything.


Click for animation

I guess it's true all over the world. When something's not working, a conservative thinks that just means you need to do more of it. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Bristol Palin Slams Obama For Listening To His Daughters On Gay Marriage."

Because no one brings the sanctity of marriage to mind like Bristol Freakin' Palin. (Business Insider)

News Roundup for 4/26/12

GOP's perception of young voters

-Headline of the Day-
"Crossroads ad attacks Obama's 'celebrity' presidency."

Never let it be said that Republicans are saddled with the burden of new ideas. And for anyone daring to make such a scurrilous accusation, I offer the latest from Karl Rove's PAC. In it, President Obama is attacked for being just so gosh-darned famous and "cool."

Seems familiar, somehow. Like someone had tried it before. I wonder how that turned out?

Anyway, this time it's different. There's that whole "he's cool" thing, too. The ad is aimed at young people and you know how they hate cool. As Steve M. from No More Mister Nice Blog puts it, "No! Don't listen to the part of your brain that responds to coolness! Coolness is not good! Coolness is bad! Bad! Romney is boring! Boring is good!"

Hey young people! Put down your video game controllers and your meme generators and your phone apps and join us in a nice game of whist!

I guess Republicans have to at least try to attract young voters. But you'd think that in trying, they'd actually try. (The Hill)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, have you heard about CISPA? Don't worry, it's just to keep you safe!


Click for animation

President Obama says he'll veto it, but you know how he hates America... (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Romney Campaign Again Warns Of ‘Soviet’ Threat."

First, Romney's foreign policy adviser complains about our policy with "Czechoslovakia," now this.

I think Mittens is trying to convince Republican voters that he literally is Reagan -- and that it's 1984. (Talking Points Memo)

News Roundup for 4/19/12

Mitt's latest criticism is a little wide of the target

-Headline of the Day-
"Lorain officials question use of gypsum plant as Romney backdrop."

President Obama is terrible. Just the worst ever. And Mitt Romney wanted to drive that point home.

So he plans to set up a photo-op in front of the National Gypsum drywall plant in Lorain, Ohio. The plant is shuttered. Weeds probably come up through cracks in the parking lot. Raccoons run wild in the breakroom. It's just terrible.

"What we're saying is, he has been given three years to turn the economy around and bring back jobs," says Romney spokesman Ryan Williams. "He has had time and hundreds of billions of dollars to turn around the economy and he has not done that." Actually, he has -- but let's not muddy the waters with facts here.

Another fact that muddies Romney's argument -- Barack Obama wasn't the president when the plant shut down. According to the report, "City officials in Lorain question whether the drywall factory – which closed during the George W. Bush administration because of a construction industry slump -- could appropriately be used to illustrate that message."

"When you have to clean up a mess that was created over eight years, you will not get it done in four," Lorain City Council President Joel Arredondo told the Cleveland Plain Dealer. "After four years, we are better off than we were before."

Oh crap, there go the facts again. (Plain Dealer)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, it looks like Republicans finally have the budget they've been waiting for! It's...



Click for animation

Just between you and me, I don't think that's really Jesus. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Wisconsin loses 4300 private sector jobs in March."

Huzzah for Gov. Walker, who "saved" Wisconsin! (CBS News)

News Roundup for 4/12/12

Hilary Rosen, according to rightwing blogs

-Headline of the Day-
"Conservatives Attack Hilary Rosen For Raising Children As A Lesbian."

You might've heard about the rightwing outrage of the day. It's easy to miss one, since there's always a rightwing outrage of the day and they all sort of run together and who can even keep track of them all?

Anyhoo, it seems that some lady named Hilary Rosen went on the CNN and said that Ann Romney "hasn’t worked a day in her life." Team Romney went all mental over this, saying it was an attack on stay-at-home moms. No one bothered to point out Ann Romney's not your average SAHM, since her husband's a bazillionaire and it's unlikely she doesn't have a household staff. But hey, you take your outrages where you find them.

By the time Romney was done with Rosen, she was a White House adviser and a strategist for the DNC. It's about here that things started to go off the rails. See, she's not. This is a typical Romney "messaging" move -- otherwise known as "complete horseshit." Rosen's more of this kind of party strategist -- i.e., the kind that plays one on TV.

But of course, the rightwing blogosphere is never satisfied with just plain horseshit. They demand horseshit with frosting. So the right went and did some digging and found out that Rosen's a lesbian! A lesbian who's raising kids with another lesbian! It's at this point that I imagine many of them shit themselves.

By this time tomorrow, they'll have connected her to Bill Ayers, Saul Alinsky, and Skynet. (ThinkProgress)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, Dogboy and Mr. Dan are back and they're here to explain freedom, liberty, and the Supreme Court.


Click for animation

Well that wasn't very family-friendly at all... (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"House GOP Budget Cuts Taxes For The Rich, Raises Taxes On The Poor."

Least surprising headline ever. (ThinkProgress)

News Roundup for 3/8/12

Boehner came up with a brilliant wedge issue
-- and now he's stuck with it

-Headline of the Day-
"Dems twist knife in birth control fight."

You hear about this Rush Limbaugh thing? Oh, it's terrible! He's yelling at ladies he doesn't even know and calling them whores and prostitutes, just because they want prescription drug coverage.

Turns out that this isn't just a sudden bout of Tourette's or something. It was brought about by a big Republican freak out over employers' coverage of birth control. It seems that employers can no longer force employees to live by the employers' religious beliefs and this is the worst thing ever!

Anyway, this is becoming a problem for Republicans, since the whole thing is stupid and everybody knows it. GOP leaders just want it all to go away (although Limbaugh isn't really playing along on that point).

So a bunch of Democrats, who also happen to be women, cooked up a plan. This thing isn't going to fade away, as GOP leadership hopes. Republicans are going to have to come out -- in public and on the record -- about how they feel about contraceptive coverage.

According to Greg Sargent, "In a letter to Speaker John Boehner — which was sent my way by a source — the 12 female Senate Dems, led by Patty Murray, are demanding that he drop his promise to hold a vote on the House version of the Blunt amendment, which has over 200 Republicans co-sponsors.

"The letter from the female Senators — which is timed to International Women’s Day — asks Boehner to pledge not to move any more birth-control-related legislation in the House."

See, the problem here is that the nuts are dug in on this issue because of Limbaugh. They think they have to defend him and in doing so have taken his whole slut/whore/bitch line as Gospel. If Boehner drops the issue, they're going to be ma-ad. But if he puts it up to a vote, everyone else will be. For the record, "everyone else" outnumbers the nuts by, like, a lot. This is what you call being between yer rock and a hard place. If Boehner let's the issue fade, a bunch of females get to shout "victory!" from the rooftops and piss off the GOP base. If not... well, that's pretty much like flooring it into the brick wall of public opinion -- in an election year that's already looking a little shaky for the Grand Old Party.

Of course, it wasn't the dem women who put Boehner between that rock and that hard place. Some guy named "John Boehner" did that.

They're just making sure he stays there for a while. (Plum Line)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, this week we're going to learn all about a Iran and the nuclear weapons program it doesn't actually have...


Click for animation

Bonus fun: it wouldn't really be a war over nuclear weapons, since Iran doesn't actually have any of those. It'd be a war against Forbidden Knowledge -- which is futile. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Joe The Plumber/Future Congressman Whining About ‘Gotcha’ Questions Already."

Hey, he learned that whine from the best. (Wonkette)

News Roundup for 3/1/12

Something conservatives have apparently never seen

-Headline of the Day-
"Contraception: That’s Not How It Works, Guys."

Or a shorter headline might be "conservatives are morons."

See, it all started when some random street lunatic wrote a column for CNSNews titled, "Sex-Crazed Co-Eds Going Broke Buying Birth Control, Student Tells Pelosi Hearing Touting Freebie Mandate." Good on CNS for employing the mentally challenged.

However, other rightwing dopes couldn't (or more likely refused to) see the glaring problem with the piece -- birth control pills are a course of treatment. In other words, it doesn't matter how much sex you have, you'll always take the same schedule of pills. That's why the container/dispenser thing is a freakin' calendar.

But never mind the facts. According to Ed Kilgore, recent and fucking awful comments by Rush Limbaugh and others show "this idea that young women are having so much sex they are going broke and want taxpayers to bail them out seems to be solidifying into an actual, real-life meme (which is a bit astounding given what year it is)."

That's right, conservative blowhards are so intent on winning this contraception fight thing (that they just lost, by the way), that they're perfectly willing to come across as brainless idiots.

And I think I'm seeing how this works now; some conservative writes something fuckwitted, all the liberal blogs laugh at it, and the wingnut bloggers and talk show hosts crawl out of the woodwork to defend it. It doesn't make any difference how insane it is, liberals are wrong -- automatically. So if they say you don't use more BC if you have a lot of sex, then that's just nutty and you should laugh at the crazy libtards.

Still, Kilgore takes a shot at straightening this all out: "So, to all the people making this argument: Hi! Here’s a quick primer. This debate is mostly about the pill, not condoms. It’s not that every time a woman has sex she has to take a pill (though something like that also exists for emergency situations, and I’m aware that this enrages you). Rather, women get a prescription for these things called birth-control pills that are generally taken every day. So it’s a fixed prescription cost, and like many such costs, if insurance doesn’t cover it it can get out of hand really quickly because our medical system is an octopus riding a donkey riding a skateboard into a sadness quarry. But there is no proportional relationship between the amount of sex a woman has and the number of standard birth-control pills she consumes. Why, there are even women who aren’t sexually active who take the pill for medical reasons. Whoa!"

Nice try, but I don't think it's sinking in. (Political Animal)


-Cartoon Time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, Uncle Mark's here to explain the issues in the election this year! Yay!


Click for animation

Uncle Mark depresses me sometimes... (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Andrew Breitbart Drops Dead."

Wish I'd thought of that headline. (Wonkette)

News Roundup for 2/24/12

What Bob Morris sees when he thinks of the Girl Scouts

-Headline of the Day-
"Anti-Girl Scout rep regrets his tone."

Hey, you remember Indiana state Rep. Bob Morris? He's that one guy who didn't like the way the Girl Scouts turn kids into loose sluts who get abortions. Yeah, that guy.

Well, he wants you to know he's very sorry. Except he's not. He's released a statement to reporters which is a confusing mish-mash of conflicting messages. He's sorry for his "tone," but he's totally right about the evil of the Girl Scouts.

Maybe Bob doesn't realize it, but I don't think anyone was upset about his "tone." They were upset about the crazyassed, wingnut, Glenn-Beck conspiracy crap that he defends in his "apology" letter.

Sorry Bob, but I don't think this is going to do the trick. (Maddow Blog)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, ever wonder what someone from another planet would think of Rick Santorum's idea of theology? Let's find out!


Click for animation

He doesn't seem very impressed. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Santorum: Colleges Are ‘Indoctrination Mills’ That Evilly Enlighten The Young."

See, colleges teach people about reality and reality has a liberal bias. (Wonkette)

News Roundup for 2/17/12

You probably don't want to know what's rolling around in this guy's head

-Headline of the Day-
"Santorum On Firestorm Over Friess: 'This Is Just Crap.'"

Rick Santorum's Sugar Daddy Foster Friess got himself in a little trouble when he told MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell that back in his day, women used to use aspirin as birth control. "The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly," he said. This didn't go over real well. Even if you cut him just a buttload of slack, you've really got to admit that going on cable news to tell dirty jokes probably isn't the smartest thing ever. Offensive dirty jokes... Well, that's just going in the wrong direction entirely.

But Rick isn't going to sit back while his piggy bank good buddy gets well-deserved criticism from the media. No sirree Bob. He's fighting back the only way a good conservative knows how -- by playing the living shit out of the victim card. He told the wingnut National Review that he's "not going to put up with it."

"You know, [reporters] sit there and they say nothing, while for 20 years [President Obama] sits in a church with a guy who is a racist," Santorum says. "And somehow or another Foster Friess is now who I am? This is just crap."


Wait, what? Jeremiah Wright was a racist? I don't remember that. I remember a guy saying a lot of things that conservatives didn't like much, but racism?

So I did what good bloggers do; I checked. Turns out that the charge of racism comes from a wingnut chain email. Yeah, one of those. It said that only black people were allowed to attend Trinity Church of Christ. That's about as true as the other claim in the email that Barack Obama's middle name is "Mohammed." It also has some great birther stuff in it -- "secret Muslim" crap that makes no sense at all in connection with attending a Christian Church. It's just typical frothing, fringe-looney BS.

And this just popped into Rick's head? You've got to wonder what other lunatic items are rattling around in there. (Talking Points Memo)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, you've probably heard about this contraception thingy. It's all very complicated and adult, but some Bishops are here to explain it. Yay!



Click for animation

Remember, no one's a better expert on birth control than some celibate guy who can't even get married. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Another Romney 'Victory' Could Become Hollow."

You remember how Mitt Romney won Iowa -- and then he didn't and Rick Santorum won?

Now it's looking like Mittens won Maine -- and then he didn't and Ron Paul won. It's still all up in the air, but it really could turn out that way.

Remember, Republican election officials can't find their own asses with both hands, a flashlight, a map, and a GPS -- but we need voter ID because screwed up elections are your fault. (Political Animal)

News Roundup for 2/15/12

Not Scott Walker's friend

-Headline of the Day-
"Wisconsin Gov. Walker seeks 2 more weeks to review signatures on recall petitions."

The roundup is back! Yay!

And we kick off the festivities with a fun story about embattled Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and his struggles with math.

OK, so here's the deal: Scott Walker sucks, right? So a bunch of people got together to kick him out of office and got a million signatures to put him up for a recall election (full disclosure: I'm one of that bunch). That's about twice as many as the law requires. You with me so far here?

Scooter doesn't want to be recalled. So he's filed suit in court to get more time to review all these crazy signatures.

"The time needed to search for duplicates, as well as to provide a factual basis for objections to more than 100,000 signatures, cannot be met within the existing time limits," Walker said in his filing.

100,000 vs half a million. You see the problem here, right? He's pretty much doomed on that count. He would need to throw out more than half a million signatures -- better than 5 times the amount he's contesting -- to stop the recall election.

What Scooter's hoping to do is delay the recall another two weeks. Why? Because of a loophole that allows him unlimited fundraising until the recall. He actually has no hope at all of stopping the recall election from happening -- his 100,000 "objectionable" signatures just aren't even close to enough. He just wants more time to rake in big out-of-state money, while complaining that he's the victim of big out-of-state money.

And here I thought Republicans were against frivolous lawsuits. (Associated Press)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, want a surefire way to fight terrorism? Then you need...


Click for animation

We used to do this with cruise missiles and that worked out just great. This will be even better. Technology marches on! (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Who's Going to Die on 'Community.'"

According to the report, "Joel McHale's confirmed that, whenever Community comes back, 'someone you've seen a lot' will die in the show."

My carefully considered response: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Unless it's Starburns. He's a good character, but he doesn't do much. I could handle that.

Sorry Starburns. Moral Orel was great and all, but TV is a harsh business. (ThinkProgress)

News Roundup for 2/2/12

Champions of central "local" control

-Headline of the Day-
"Oops: Florida Republican Forgets To Remove ALEC Mission Statement From Boilerplate Anti-Tax Bill."

It used to be that Republicans were always talking about "local control." What they meant was that states didn't need Big Government coming in and telling them what to do. State governments could make up their own minds, thank you very much, and no federal meddling was needed. You couldn't get them to shut up about it.

Now, things are different. Republicans don't talk as much about local control because they put together this thing called ALEC. ALEC is the American Legislative Exchange Council and it's made up of state legislators. What do they do? They write laws -- well, they get lobbyists to write them anyway. And they do it for everyone. Then they can pretend they aren't Big Government goons pushing the states around. They're small government goons doing the pushing. I guess there's some difference.

See, this way you've got local control. Of course, the idea is that all the locals are controlling things exactly the same way across all the states. Every ALEC law is, in practice, one big national law, since the idea is that every state has the same one. Local control! Except it's not so local as it is central.

Yeah, it's a confusing mish-mash of contradicting argument, but that's Republicans for ya.

Anyhoo, this all strikes a lot of people as wrong -- not to mention hypocritical. People in Florida shouldn't be writing Wisconsin's laws and vice versa, for example. So all the ALEC people like to pretend that they came up with these identical laws all on their lonesome. It's all so common sense, they argue, why wouldn't a bunch of people come up with the same thing?

This argument took a little ding when Florida state Rep. Rachel Burgin introduced a bill calling on the feds to reduce corporate tax rates -- and left an ALEC identifier in it. "WHEREAS, it is the mission of the American Legislative Exchange Council to advance Jeffersonian principles of free markets, limited government, yada-yada-yada, wank-wank-wank...," Burgin's bill began, which was kind of letting the cat out of the bag. Someone else wrote this thing and Rachel just copied and pasted it -- apparently without even reading it.

According to the report, "Burgin quickly withdrew the bill hoping that no one had noticed and then re-introduced it 24-hours later, with a new bill number (HM 717), but now without the problematic paragraph."

As you can see, that strategy failed. Wait for this Florida bill to show up in your state, because local control is super-important. (ThinkProgress)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, ever wonder how to write an attack ad for a shadowy, secretive Super PAC? Yeah, me neither. But Uncle Mark's going to show us anyway! Yay!


Click for animation

Well that's just [adjective]. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Trump endorses Mitt Romney for president."

Meanwhile, there's this from Pew:



Looks like The Donald can expect a thank-you note from Newt. (CBS News)

News Roundup for 1/26/12

Pictured: Gingrich responds to question on CNN


-Headline of the Day-
"Gingrich campaign admits error."

And "error" is media-speak for "bald-faced lie."

Remember when Newt's ex-wife Marianne went on the teevee to say that Newt had wanted an open marriage? Yeah, well after that happened, he went on the offensive. And Noodles did it by doing what Noodles does in pretty much every situation -- he attacked the media messenger.

It was a terrible thing to have Marianne on ABC News, yacking about how her husband wanted to keep seeing his mistress (who is now his wife). It wasn't true and ABC knew it!

"The story was false," Newt said in the last debate. "Every personal friend I have who knew us in that period says the story is false. We offered several of them to ABC to prove it was false. They weren't interested."

Turns out that ABC News wasn't interested because they have some sort of discriminatory policy against nonexistent sources. Newt didn't offer the network any buddies from his old marriage, but "only recommended Gingrich's two daughters from his first marriage." Because, if there's anyone who knows all about a couple's wild, swinging sex life, it's the kids.

Then, during an interview on CNN, Newt said it again. ABC News ignored Newt's phantom sources and that was just the worst thing ever. When CNN's John King told Gingrich that ABC said they were offered no corroborating sources, Newt became indignant.

"If they're saying that, then they're not being honest," Gingrich said. "We had several people prepared to be very clear and very aggressive in their dispute about that, and [ABC News] wasn't interested."

Newt's story died today, when his own campaign finally admitted that the whole thing was BS. Newt was lying -- which, as we've established, gets called an "error" when you're running for president. As if he accidentally said he did something -- at least twice -- which he didn't actually do.

The moral of this story, boys and girls, is that if you're going to play the victim card, you kind of want to actually have it. (CNN)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, have you heard about our Marxist president's terrible State of the Union speech? It was just one long string of commie statement after commie statement. It was almost unAmerican!

Here's a clip. Prepare to get really, really mad!


Click for animation

Well, OK then. Never mind. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Romney Would Like You to Believe His Tax Rate Is 'Closer to 40 or 50 Percent.'"

See, it's all very complicated. First off, Mittens gave money to charity, which is exactly the same thing as paying taxes -- even if you can write some of it off on your taxes. Then of course, there's that whole corporate tax rate -- which he didn't actually pay, because he's not a corporation.

You know, I'm kind of thinking Mittens might not be entirely honest here. (Wonkette)

News Roundup for 1/19/12

Every bit the prick he appears to be

-Headline of the Day-
"Limbaugh On Gingrich Cheating On His Ex-Wife: 'Newt's A Victim.'"

Poor Newt Gingrich. All he wanted to do was get little extra love on the side and all of a sudden he's the bad guy. It's so unfair.

See, Newt's ex-wife sat down with ABC News for an as-yet unaired interview. But what we know about what she said is not good for Newt. Basically, after she was diagnosed with MS, Newt decided it was time to look elsewhere for the lovin' -- because he's great like that. That "elsewhere" is now his wife. You know, the weird-eyed robot lady Callista.

Anyway, the ex -- Marianne -- says that Newt wanted to have his cake and eat it too (sorry about that image, it's just a figure of speech). She says he approached her about having an "open marriage" and she shot him down.

According to Rush Limbaugh, Newt is awesome. So he took to the airwaves to defend the honor of America's Greatest Living Hero the only way a conservative seems to know how these days -- with a quick flip of the victim card. "I got a great note from a friend of mine," Rush told his breathless audience of shut-ins, mental patients, and people whose radios only get that one station. "'So Newt wanted an open marriage. BFD. At least he asked his wife for permission instead of cheating on her. That’s a mark of character, in my book. Newt’s a victim."

Slight problem with the phrase "instead of," though. Rush must've confused it with "while." Because the sentence, "At least he asked his wife for permission while cheating on her," is more in line with reality. According to the report, "It’s worth noting that Gingrich had been having an affair for several years before he asked 'permission' to cheat on his wife."

Then again, being a master of spin has nothing to do with mastery of the facts. (ThinkProgress)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, Snuggly the Security Bear is back and he's here to talk about piracy! Arrr!!


Click for animation

So remember, when you burn a CD, you're being exactly like those pirates in Somalia. Die, buccaneer scum! (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Walker turning down $37 million for health care."

I'll be so glad when we recall this moron. (Associated Press)

News Roundup for 1/13/12

Sometimes pronounced "four"


-Headline of the Day-
"Rick Perry Lists 3 Departments He’d Cut, But Adds One, Misses Another."

OK, so Rick Perry wants eliminate the departments of commerce, interior, and energy... or is it commerce, education, and energy?

Something like that anyway. All you need to know is that Rick Perry wants to eliminate federal agencies. Three to be specific and which three being too specific.

Referring back to Rick Perry's "Oops" moment at a Republican debate, an interviewer asked him which agencies he'd cut. Should be easy enough. The mistake that marked the beginning of his campaign's tailspin is not likely to be one repeated.

Or so you'd believe. "Three right off the bat, you know, commerce, interior and energy are three that you think," Rick answered.

And Rick answered wrong. On the campaign trail, he's been talking about eliminating the department of education, because -- let's face -- he's living proof that being dumber than a sack of doorknobs is no impediment to fabulous wealth, fame, and success.

What he hasn't been doing is saying word one about the Department of the Interior.

The interviewer caught the slip and asked him if he'd eliminate the Department of Education as well. Darn tootin', Rick said. Then the stupid continued. "They are blackmailing states with our own money, basically saying here is the national test, and here are the national standards you’re going to put into place, "One size fits all doesn’t work. Well maybe it does in gym socks but it sure doesn’t in how we educate our children."

Maybe, maybe not. But you want to take that up with President Bush and the bipartisan group of dim bulbs who passed No Child Left Behind. The Department of Education is doing this stuff because the last Texas Governor to be president made them do this stuff. You can repeal it and they'll stop doing it. You don't have to blow up the waterworks to turn off a faucet, you know.

But whatever. What's important to remember is that the list of agencies Rick Perry would cut grows every time someone asks him; mostly because he can't keep them squared in his mind and when he screws up, his line is "Oh yeah, that one too." (ABC News)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, the National Defense Authorization Act means that everyone's safe from terr'ists forever. Yay!


Click for animation

Whether you're safe from your government is another question entirely. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Romney's Rhetoric On Jobs Record At Bain Devolves."

First Mittens claimed 100,000 jobs had been created by Bain. No one bought that. Then it was "tens of thousands." No one bought that either. Now it's just "thousands."

By this time next week, it'll probably be "me and this other guy."

Don't believe it. (Talking Points Memo, with video)

News Roundup for 1/5/12

What the Romney tax plan looks like to the middle class

-Headline of the Day-
"Romney Plan Raises Taxes On Lower-Middle Class, Cuts Taxes On Wealthy."

Mittens is the 1%. If you ever doubted that, check out his new tax plan, which can best be described as a massive middle finger to anyone who isn't fabulously well-to-do. Basically, it works like this; the less you make, the larger your tax hike. Conversely, the more you make, the bigger your tax cut.

According to the report, "The Urban-Brookings Tax Policy Center crunched the numbers — part of a series of analyses the group has done of the GOP candidates’ tax proposals — and found that the plan constitutes a major tax cut for wealthy Americans. But compared to today’s rates, Romney proposes effective tax increases for people making less than $40,000."

Meanwhile, the "average millionaire would thus pay $145,568 less in taxes in 2015 than they do today." Relying on the poorest to make up for the wealthiest just plain doesn't work -- mostly because math has a liberal bias -- and this makes Romney's plan a "a budget buster, meaning greater deficits or deep cuts to federal programs."

So, if you're not a bazillionaire and you're planning to vote for Romney, you're a chump. Plain and simple. (Talking Points Memo)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, did you know there was this big election thing going on? Of course you do! And did you know that other things are going on too? Of course you don't, thanks to...


Click for animation

For example, did you know there was political unrest in Iraq, with explosions across Baghda... Oh wait, BREAKING NEWS: Ron Paul seen eating ribs with mustard!

Ooh... That's really going to hurt him in Missouri. (MarkFiore.com)


-Bonus HotD-
"Santorum Suggests Banishing Ninth Circuit Court Judges To Guam."

Oh Rick, you are going to be fun. (ThinkProgress)