News Roundup for 4/24/12

The world's least honest person, this side of James O'Keefe-

-Headline of the Day-
"Planned Parenthood Worried It's The Target Of New Undercover Sting."

Something hinky's up at Planned Parenthood clinics across the nation, as women are walking in and asking weird questions that no one's ever asked before. According to the report, "clinics in at least 11 states have reported two dozen or more 'hoax visits' over the past several weeks, in which a woman walks into a clinic, claims to be pregnant and asks a particular pattern of provocative questions about sex-selective abortions, such as how soon she can find out the gender of the fetus, by what means and whether she can schedule an abortion if she's having a girl."

The hoax is probably being carried out by Live Action, an anti-choice group headed up by James O'Keefe cult-member Lila Rose. In the past, Rose and Live Action tried to prove that Planned Parenthood was involved in sex trafficking -- no, really. They didn't have a lot of luck on that front, for obvious reasons. But that didn't stop them from stitching together a lying video from out-of-context takes anyway, because that's just what O'Keefe cultists do.

How worried should you be about all this? Not very, if you ask me. This is probably the first you've heard of the sex trafficking thing, so Live Action's influence is close to zero. Nice to see a group of liars getting all the attention they deserve. (Huffington Post)


-Speaking of unwanted pregnancies...


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If Sarah Palin ever sees this, somebody's getting buried under a stack of victim cards. (GoComics)


-Bonus HotD-
"Governor Rick Scott Vetoes Funds For Rape Crisis Centers During Sexual Assault Awareness Month."

If there's one thing that sets the generals on the front lines in the War on Women apart from everyone else, it's their general lack of brains. (Huffington Post)

News Roundup for 4/17/12

Not a smart man

-Headline of the Day-
"Mitthusiasm: House Conservative Edition."

One of the great pleasures of an all-but certain Republican nomination of Mitt Romney is watching all the wingnuts who'd attacked him as a RINO on the campaign trail squirm uncomfortably as they try to pretend to be happy about their nominee. The excruciatingly forced smiles, the staged excitement -- it's all really entertaining. Especially as you consider the look in their eyes; like they'd just swallowed an entire peeled lemon dipped in vinegar. The crazies are clearly not happy. And when they're unhappy, I'm overjoyed.

This unease with Romney was apparent when the rightest of the right in the House staged a press conference. No reason, just "conversations with conservatives" and an excuse for the election-minded to chase cameras around. It turns out that reporters actually show up to these things, on the off-chance that someone may say something worth repeating. The fact that you hardly ever hear about these common pressers tells you all you need to know about what they're usually worth.

According to Dave Weigel, whose unenviable task it is to sit through these timewasters, "the first question that tripped anybody up, from The Hill's Russ Berman, was whether members were 'excited' about incoming Republican nominee Mitt Romney."

Sure they were, they all said. Because Mittens is gonna beat Barack HUSSEIN Obama and that automatically makes him a freakin' hero. They all took turns agreeing on how important that was -- until it was Louie Gohmert's turn.

"If you're not sure about whether to support Mitt Romney," the dumbest member in the history of congress said, "whether you're liberal, or whether you're very conservative, you ought to be excited, because he's been on your side at one time or another."

OK, so that wasn't the message they were going for. It's probably not a good idea to bring up what a flipflopper Mitt is when you're trying to praise him. "You could tell, in the room, that Gohmert had just created a 'narrative' against Romney," Weigel reports.

Gohmert finally realized that he'd screwed everything up. But luckily he has experience in dealing with that particular problem since -- as I've mentioned -- he's the dumbest member in the history of congress.

"So I'm not completely understood," he said, "I'm not as excited as I am desparate."

Romney 2012. Feel the excitement! (Weigel)


-Desperate housewife-


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And that's not even counting all the doubloons she has to polish. (GoComics)


-Bonus HotD-
"The 'secrecy' card."

Team Romney's latest defense: if you criticize Mitt Romney for admitting to hiding his agenda, it means you hate Mormons. (War Room)

News Roundup for 3/27/12

A couple of lowlife thugs in hoodies

-Headline of the Day-
"Geraldo Rivera sorry for ‘life-saving campaign’ against hoodies."

In response to the shooting of Trayvon Martin, Geraldo Rivera went to war against clothing. "I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was," Geraldo said. "You have to recognize that this whole stylizing yourself as a gangsta — you’re going to be a gangsta wannabe, well people are going to perceive you as a menace. That’s what happens. It is an instant, reflexive action."

That didn't go over real well. It seems that a lot of people thought this was a classic case of blaming the victim, while a whole lot more thought that maybe wearing a hooded sweatshirt probably shouldn't be viewed as a fashion crime worthy of the death penalty. Rivera got beat up on the twitter machine for a while and he learned that wasn't fun. So now he's offering what may be the lamest excuse for an apology in history.

"I apologize to anyone offended by what one prominent black conservative called my ‘very practical and potentially life-saving campaign urging black and Hispanic parents not to let their children go around wearing hoodies,’" Geraldo said.

In other words, "I'm sorry for being right."

I think he can count on being whacked around twitter for a while longer. (Raw Story)


-Romney clarifies-


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Personally, I think he's a yoyo. (GoComics)


-Bonus HotD-
"Conservatives Ban Guns At Their Own Conferences To ‘Keep It Safe.’"

They want nuts with guns everywhere -- except in their immediate vicinity. (ThinkProgress)

News Roundup for 12/7/11

Rick keeps his girlish figure by pummeling poor people

-Headline of the Day-
"Santorum: We Don’t Need Food Stamps Because Obesity Rates Are So High."

Good news, everyone; Rick Santorum has noticed that the problem of hunger in America has gone away!

Where'd it go? Who knows. But he doesn't see any hunger around anywhere. See, Rick's -- oh, let's go ahead and call it "reasoning" -- works this way: we've got a lot of people on food stamps and there are overweight people. The end. So it's safe to cut funding for food stamps.

"If hunger is a problem in America, then why do we have an obesity problem among the people who we say have a hunger program?" Rick asks.

Fair question, fair question... I'm sorry, no it's not. It's a stupid question. Not everyone receiving food stamps is overweight, for one. For another, being overweight doesn't mean you're eating right. Need me to draw you picture? Here you go:



Rick probably doesn't know it, being a fabulously well-to-do former Senator, but cheap food is shitty food. And shitty food makes you gain weight. People don't have a weight problem because they're eating too healthy, you know. It's mostly because they eat junk. I always say that if all you can afford for dinner is a 99 cent mac and cheese dinner and a can of Orange Faygo, you're going to put on weight. It's almost unavoidable.

But that's what you call yer "facts and logic."

Rick Santorum doesn't do facts and logic. (ThinkProgress)


-Things ain't looking good for Mittens-


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They probably have Sandusky confused with Herman Cain. (GoComics)


-Bonus HotD-
"Bolling Apologizes To 'Froggy,' Challenges Him To Debate."

Remember how Fox idiot Eric Bolling accused the muppets of being commies? Now he wants to debate Kermit. Kermit is a puppet. He isn't real. Apparently, some people haven't figured that out.

And, no. He didn't really apologize.

Proof positive Fox is the channel for complete morons. (Media Matters)

News Roundup for 11/14/11

Photo of the most prominent Muslim Herman Cain knows

-Headline of the Day-
"Cain: Majority of US Muslims share extremist views."

Rapidly plummeting in the polls, Herman Cain has decided to go back to what was working for him before this whole frontrunner/human scandal thing happened to him -- hating Muslims.

At a fun "pizza party" interview with GQ, the Hermanator took off his party hat and set aside his balloon for a moment, to make a serious point. "I have had one very well-known Muslim voice say to me directly that a majority of Muslims share the extremist views," Cain said.

Asked who the "very well-known Muslim voice" was voice was, Cain refused to answer.
None of your business, that's who. Herman would only repeat that it was a "a very prominent voice in the Muslim community." And, by "Muslim community," I think Herman Cain might mean his own head. Asked if he believed said unnamed voice, Herman said he did he did he really really did.

"Yes, because of the respect that I have for this individual," Herman said. "Because when he told me this, he said he wouldn't want to be quoted or identified as having said that."

Would this be the same Herman Cain who went on a jihad against Politico for using then-anonymous sources to "smear" him? Yes it would. And now here he is, using an anonymous (and likely made-up) Muslim to smear the majority of Muslims.

Once again we see a hard and fast rule of Republican politics; it's only OK when a Republican does it. (The Hill)


-Think Rick Perry "and the third one is..." jokes are played out?-


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How wrong you are. (GoComics)


-Bonus HotD-
"Confirmed Serial Adulterer Passes Alleged Serial Harasser in GOP Race."

The "family values" party. (Crooks and Liars)

News Roundup for 11/8/11

Rush Limbaugh's "Date Night" van

-Headline of the Day-
"Limbaugh On Cain Accusations: Political Correctness 'Has Now Spread To Behavior — Not Just Speech.'"

Rush Limbaugh has had it up to here with all this PC crap! Not only can't you say whatever you want without some liberal or minority or lady getting offended, now you can't even do whatever you want -- it's an outrage!

"Political correctness, which is censorship, has now spread to behavior -- not just speech," Rush told his audience of bobblehead dolls today. "It's spread to behavior." He then went on to pine for the good old days, when you could refer to women as "broads" and everyone was cool with it.

"I tell you, you women, why don’t you just make it official, put on some burqas?" he said, wrapping it all up in a neat bow of crazy. "And I’ll guaran-damn-tee you nobody’ll touch you. You put on a burqa, and everybody’ll leave you alone, if that’s what you want."

Of course, Herman Cain's problem isn't that it's politically incorrect to fondle an unwilling woman and pull her head down to your crotch -- it's pretty much legally incorrect. Cain's lucky he didn't walk away in handcuffs that day -- and not in a fun way.

But still, wouldn't it be better to live in Rush's world, where you can sexually assault any random person and have "Oh, don't be so PC!" as a perfectly legitimate defense?

Why, nowadays you can't roam around, doing whatever the fuck you want to whomever the fuck you want. It's like there's no anarchy anymore!

And is that really what the founders intended? (Talking Points Memo, with video)


-Herman Cain explains-


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That ought to clear everything up. (GoComics)


-Bonus HotD-
"Gazillionaire Mitt Romney Whines Gov’t Employees Earn More Than He Does."

No, really. (Wonkette, with video)

News Roundup for 10/31/11

Herman Cain

-Headline of the day-
"Herman Cain Breaks Into Song at the National Press Club"

Herman Cain's got a little bit of a problem. He's teetering on the edge of a sex scandal and things aren't looking up for him. He says he didn't do it, but if that's true, then the details don't make a lot of sense.

So what's he do? He closes up a speech to the National Press Club with the hymn "He Looked Beyond My Fault And Saw My Need" -- because nothing says "I'm innocent!" like a song about how Jesus can look past what a horrible, horrible sinner you are and forgive you.

Of course, the next big scandal is looking like it'll be a campaign finance/money-laundering scheme coming out of Wisconsin, but do a little song and dance, pull a rabbit out of his hat, and it'll just disappear. (The Atlantic, with video)


-Avast!-
Reality TV gets a little too specific.


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"Hoist the mains'l, we've got a noreaster a-brewin' laddies!" (GoComics)


-Bonus HotD-
"Eric Cantor Booed For Opposing Marriage Equality."

Because it's Halloween and the right thinks it's spooky that the Homosexual Menace is winning.

W-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! (ThinkProgress, with terrifying video)

News Roundup for 10/25/11

Pat Robertson

Headline of the Day-
"Even Pat Robertson Thinks Republican Voters Are Too Extreme."

Yikes! Pat Robertson -- the man who said that Methodists and Presbyterians are the antichrist, who agreed with Jerry Falwell that "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the American Civil Liberties Union, and the People For the American Way" were responsible for 9/11, who claimed that a massive earthquake was the Haitians' own damned fault for being Satan worshipers, and who said that Scotland was a "dark land" ruled by the Homosexual Menace -- thinks GOP voters are too extreme. And they better listen to him, because he could kick all of their asses -- he can leg press a literal ton!

"Those people in the Republican primary have got to lay off of this stuff," Pat said on his TV show, Drinking Paint for Jesus. "They’re forcing their leaders, the frontrunners, into positions that will mean they lose the general election. Now whether this did it to Cain I don’t know, but nevertheless, you appeal to the narrow base and they’ll applaud the daylights out of what you’re saying and then you hit the general election and they say ‘no way’ and then the Democrat, whoever it is, is going to just play these statements to the hilt. They’ve got to stop this! It’s just so counterproductive!"

"Well, if they want to lose, this is the game for losers," he went on.

It was a rare moment of clarity for Pat, who then slipped back into dementia and tried to filet an audience member, apparently believing he was hosting a cooking show. (Right Wing Watch, with video)


-Putting the 'geniuses' in 'evil geniuses'-
A can't-lose move by Koch & Koch.


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And that's just the first step. Next, they'll corner the market on vuvuzelas and giant street puppets. (GoComics)


-Bonus HotD-
"After Calling It ‘A Good Issue To Keep Alive,’ Perry Says Birther Conspiracy Is ‘One Of The Biggest Distractions.'"

Obvious conclusion: Perry's rapidly deteriorating basketcase of a campaign really needs a good distraction. (ThinkProgress, with video)